"All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal." -Fran Lebowitz

Friday, July 6, 2012

This Is Like, Official Writer-Type Wearin' a Tweed Jacket Shenanigans

I’ve never been to a reading where I didn’t want to fucking strangle the person.” -Adam (Adam Driver), “Girls” Season 1, Episode 9 “Leave Me Alone”
Hm. Interesting. A bold and respectable stance proclaimed by a character whose most notable act during the season’s arc was to urinate on his unaware girlfriend in the shower.
But. Interesting nonetheless.
Apropos of nothing, I will be reading from my novel The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription on Thursday, July 26th. The evening will begin at 7 p.m. with a bit of a cocktail hour (let’s call it a “cocktail 75 minutes”), followed by some bullshit where I put on my “cheaters” and try to enunciate while I turn printed pages on a music stand, followed by more opportunities for everyone who attends to eat and drink for free. It will end no later than 10 p.m.
The reading will take place at J.E.T. Studios, in the Streep Theater, at 5126-5130 Lankershim Blvd., North Hollywood, CA  91601.
(raps map on wall) Map.
Okay. Let’s address the primary concern: that by attending this reading, you will want to murder me by wrapping something, perhaps even your bare hands, around my throat and preventing me from breathing to the point where I lose consciousness and then die.

I mean: fuck. But (shrugs).
Let’s assume - let’s grant the point of the neanderthal who pisses on people without their consent - that listening to me read from my novel will inspire these homicidal thoughts.
First of all, most of you even considering attendance know me already, and I can’t imagine anybody who already knows me not having wanted to strangle me at some point. So looking at it glass-half-full, you’ll be experiencing a familiar feeling. You're used to suppressing that shit. I mean, I'm still here, aren't I? The few of you who are unfamiliar with me are probably experiencing the feeling reading this. So again, familiarity, all that.
You’re welcome. Besides, if you do feel the wish to strangle me - bring it on. I know karate.
Did I mention there’d be food? I did. Well, some of that food will include my famous macaroni & cheese. That’s worth enduring twenty minutes of me reading aloud, isn’t it?
Did I mention there’d be drink? I did. Well, some of that drink will be alcoholic in nature. Again, not only worth enduring the reading aloud stuff, but an excellent way to help you endure it. Eh?
Did I mention the reading will have its little quirks? I didn’t? Well, it will. I’m not gonna go out and proclaim anyone will be shocked and amazed, it's not on the level of "Luke, I'm your father," or Villanova/Georgetown 1985, but there’s a pleasant little surprise or two...
Did I mention the cost to you? I did not. That’s because there is no cost to you. If you want to attend the reading, it’s free. Now, if you wanted to purchase a copy of the book, well, yeah, that’s $14.99 plus tax. I will have copies of the book there, I will be taking cash or credit cards, if one wanted to buy a copy. But that’s neither here nor there.
If you’re up for showing some support, eating some food, or getting off on wanting to kill me - and again (motions with wiggling fingers) bring it; you feel strong? - I’d love it if you were able to attend. Check out the Facebook event and “join”.

(raps Facebook on wall) Facebook.

I need to know how much Gruyere cheese to grate.