The World Is My Writing Desk - 09.07.2014

Wrote today...
#RogueTripWMWD

Air New Zealand #NZ101, Aukland to Sydney, July 9, 2014 - 7am

#RogueTripSOTD - 07.07.2014

Union Square, San Francisco, CA - 2pm

#RogueTripPOTD - 07.07.2014

Embarcadero, San Francisco, CA - 3pm

“Do You Know the Way Out of San Jose?”

DATELINE: SAN FRANCISCO. MONDAY, JULY 7, 2014

I’m screwed.

I’m about to take a long trip. The trip is part of a larger plan about getting more work done, taking risks, life fulfillment, blah blah stopBillyfortheloveofPetestop. Anyway. It’s a big move, one I’ve been thinking about for a long time, and my realizations and expectations for the journey have been hitting me ever since I finally committed to it in my mind, ever since I finally said to myself, “You’re doing this,” last fall.

One of those expectations is, I’m expecting to be in a lot of places-

(This blog is gonna have a lot of obvious statements. Endure them, please.)

-and it’s a given that there will be times when I’m in a certain place, and I’m lost. For Chrissakes-

(This blog is gonna have swearing. I would ask you to endure it, but I honestly feel you should get over it, and actually, that you should enjoy it. (shrug))

(This blog is gonna have stage directions.)

-for Chrissakes, part of the reason I’m taking this trip in the first place is, I’m lost. So I knew I would be in exotic cities around the world, cities like Singapore and Beijing and Dubai and Barcelona and Buenos Aires and, uh, Monterrey, Mexico, and I needed to get used to feeling lost and feeling okay with being lost, that I wouldn’t be able to know where I was or where I was going every single moment in every single city through which I travelled…

I didn’t expect, however, the first city where I was beset with that feeling to be frickin’ San Jose, California, United States of America.

(eye roll) Jesus.

I flew into San Jose after a lovely visit with my brother and his family in Boise, with the plan to take public transportation to San Francisco. I wanted to spend a nice evening in one of my favorite cities, an American city I knew, before I embarked on this journey and found myself in places of which I knew nothing for the next nine months. I wanted to take a walk alone, find a nice, quiet restaurant to have dinner by myself, and simply relax before the adventure began, all in a city that gave me comfort…

…and I did, more than an hour later than planned, because I can’t a)read a goddamn sign or b)distinguish my left from my right.

First, I got onto a light-rail train in uh, “downtown” San Jose and went south when I should’ve gone north, prompting the first innovation this journey has prompted - there should be a corollary to the “walk of shame” (don’t pretend you don’t know) called the “disembark of shame” for when someone gets on at one train stop, only to get off at the next stop so he can walk across the tracks and go right back in the direction from whence he came. So that cost me forty minutes.

Second, I almost got on the right bus going in the wrong direction until the bus driver convinced me that he actually knew more about the bus’s route than I did. By the time he had me persuaded, by pointing at the bus stopped RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET from where I was, I had missed that bus - that departed RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET - and that cost me another half-hour. Which brings me to what I hope to be a regular feature of this blog:

SOPHISTICATED ROGUE’S TRAVEL TIP #1©*:

“Chances are excellent that the bus driver knows more about where you’re going than you do.”

and its sub-tip…

SOPHISTICATED ROGUE’S TRAVEL TIP #1a©:

“Arguing with the bus driver is frequently counterproductive.”

I can’t even make it forty miles in the Bay Area without getting lost. I’m gonna be able to handle India and Ecuador? (sigh, rubs forehead) 

So. I’m screwed. Pray for me. Include it in your prayers to get me to stop swearing, if you wish.

Eventually, I did get to San Francisco, got my walk, got my dinner, and got my first, “Wait? You just up and quit your fuckin’ job?” from a skeptical bartender. So I will call yesterday a measured success. My desire is for that judgment to hold for the next nine months.

For those interested, my goal for this trip is to travel around the world. Deliberately, I’ve made only three “hard points” for the trip - well, I guess five “hard points”, including the beginning and end points, which I guess one cannot avoid when taking a trip. I’m thinking of them as clothespins hanging the trip on a line, perhaps a dirty clothesline tied between two tenement buildings high over a street in a cartoon taking place in Depression-Era New York City. (shrug) Whatever helps, dude.

First clothespin is San Francisco. Tonight I leave SFO - that’s AIRPORT CODE for San Francisco Airport - for the second clothespin, Sydney, Australia. The image of me sitting still in an enclosed space for fifteen hours should amuse many of you who once employed and/or dated me. I plan to purchase a third and fourth clothespin in the form of a flight from Lisbon, Portugal to Rio de Janeiro on February 1, 2015. So basically, I’ll need to figure out a way to get from Sydney to Lisbon in seven months. Fifth and final clothespin is, I’d like to have a birthday dinner (April 17, 2015) at this restaurant in New Orleans, Gautreau’s, mainly ‘cause it has a bench outside a picture window and I want a cool-ass picture taken of me sitting on said bench.

Gautreau's Restaurant

A needlessly romantic imagined image to go with a needlessly romantic and overambitious plan, to be certain. A plan which I’ll fail to achieve in its conceived schematic, no doubt. But whatever. We’ll see what happens. Every creative project becomes something different from its imagined form, is what I’ve found and grown to enjoy over the years. This is no different. I enter into this with the hope that when it is done, it’s a creative project of meaning.

Logistics:

-This is the website. You’re here, obviously. I dunno, bookmark it? Don’t mind that you can’t comment on posts? Cherish it?

-I have started a Twitter account specifically for the trip: @Rogue_Trip. Don't forget the underscore. Follow that for updates, notifications, little random tidbits and mini-bites, etc., and holy shit, please tell other people to follow it. My God, if a couple months go by and I’m trying find free wi-fi in the jungle in order to post stuff for a mere 53 people, I might just disappear into the Indian Ocean (or the Pacific Ocean, or the fourth dimension, YOU DON’T KNOW IT COULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED, DO  YOU?) like that Malaysian Air jet (not a legitimate threat). I may be re-tweeting links from @Rogue_Trip, but I will not be posting trip-related stuff on my personal Twitter account.

-If you haven’t “liked” the Sophisticated Rogue Media Facebook page, please do that. I’m looking to use that more than my personal page, for updates related to the trip. Don’t give me that look; that’s branding, buddy. Yeah, I’ve got a plan for that. My personal Facebook page is most likely gonna be less-used, at this point.

So if you’re up for it, please follow along. I’m excited about this, and it’d be nice if you read this blog as I go. I’ve got some ideas for what form it will take, but married to nothing other than maintaining it in a regular way. So keep checking back to see just how it begins to form, please.

Take care. I have to make sure getting to SFO is a straight shot on the BART…

*SOPHISTICATED ROGUE’S TRAVEL TIPS© are meant to be for entertainment purposes only. The title of the tips, the tips themselves, and in fact the sobriquet “Sophisticated Rogue” itself are meant to be ironic, wry, and in no way literal, and if you don’t know that by now, well, (sigh), Jesus, c’mon, dude…

The World is My Writing Desk, 07.07.2014

Wrote today...

San Francisco Hilton, San Francisco, CA - 10am
#RogueTripWMWD

T-47 Days & Counting - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE Rehearsals Begin

When I was a teenager, I had a brief and wildly unsuccessful stint on my high school’s speech & debate team. My category was Extemporaneous Speech (“Extemp”), where each competitor is given a current events question (e.g., “How has the Reagan Administration’s economic policies affected the morale of major American cities versus the American farmer?”), and then given a mere fifteen minutes or so to prepare, write, and rehearse a seven minute speech. The competitor then delivers that speech to between one and three already bored parents of other speech & debate club members, parents who sit in uncomfortable desk-chairs resenting the loss of their Saturday trapped in a dusty classroom deprived of air conditioning, forced to listen to a teenager who is not their own.

As mentioned, be it due to my relative lack of skill (the “common” wisdom) or to the insular, political world of high school speech & debate which championed only cliquish insiders and oppressed an outsider who participated only due to being cut from the J.V. basketball team (my interpretation), I was wildly unsuccessful at “Extemp”. But over the course of two years finishing fifth in heats of seven and failing to move onto any final rounds, ever, I did discover a modus operandi for beginning my speeches, an M.O. that I consider genius, and an M.O. that I’ve carried with me throughout my growth as an artist.

Back in 1986, most “Extemp” combatants went into battle with accordion folders stuffed with reams of clipped articles from the Daily Mail or archived issues of The Economist magazine (I imagine that now, the arsenal consists of an iPad). Upon receiving their question, they would scurry to a cafeteria table, spread out their research material, and feverishly begin to outline their speech with facts and statistics. Once the outline was complete, they would begin pacing the room, mumbling to themselves, rehearsing their speech in its entirety.

I would spend most of my preparation coming up with the perfect sports analogy.

That was my M.O. I began every “Extemp” speech with a sport analogy. It was my style, much like Bob Dylan playing acoustic or Spike Lee doing that conveyer belt thing with a character in every single one of his joints. Sports analogies in “Extemp” speeches was my thing. I did it every single time. Perhaps it was due to some deep-seeded resentment of having to participate in speech & debate rather than play on the basketball team. More likely, it was because sports was something that not only I knew, but knew could always be used as a metaphor, a metaphor for anything.

So I would spend much of my rehearsal time linking the fall of the Ferdinand Marcos regime in mid-80s Philippines to the responsibility Lou Carnesecca bore for the lackluster play of St. John’s in the Big East, or describing the military buildup of the the Soviet Union in the allegorical form of New York Giants linebacking corps, or making the clearly air-tight comparison between Chilean General Augusto Pinochet to George Steinbrenner. Sure, sure, I got into details eventually. I had a reasonable grasp on current events. I read U.S. News & World Report every week; I even enjoyed it. But my sports analogies were my signature. When the moment came to deliver my speech, I would stand up in front of the classroom full of parents and launch myself into Extemporaneous Speech eccentricity by saying something like, “Sino-Soviet relations could learn a lot from the rivalry between the Boston Bruins and the Montreal Canadians.” I figured that by relating even the most subtle of world affairs to an aspect of sports, I was making a connection that would be seen by the judges as at once astute and relatable.

Wildly unsuccessful. Occasionally as I launched into explaining why Dwight Gooden and Daryl Strawberry were exactly like George Schultz and Alexander Haig, I could see a bored father raise an eyebrow, intrigued simply by names he recognized. But most of the time, I could tell the small scowls on the faces of the mothers were pans of my efforts, and most of the time, the fathers’ eyebrows were raised in skepticism or even disdain. The crass, unserious world of sports had no place in the lofty realm of world affairs, even if it was only in the opening of a slapdash “Extemp” speech by a kid wearing khakis too baggy, a tie too long, a delivery too rushed, and a part of hair too much in the middle of his head.

But I still love sports analogies, precisely for the same reason. It’s trite and has been hammered to death by every columnist from Red Smith to Jay Mariotti, but trite is truth. The sports world is a microcosm for the rest of the world, for the real world. The sports world is perfect as an allegory for the real world because it contains all the same issues, the same ambiguity, the same human beings, but it also most times can provide some sort of an answer, a definition, a scoreboard.

So I use sports analogies still, and as I grew older and began writing, acting, and directing, the comparisons come even easier. If you try to create, and work with others trying to create together, it’s obvious that the parallels to an athletic team are not only simple to envision, but true. Working on a film, writing a script with someone, or acting in a play with a cast, all are team efforts where the same concepts hold true as they do in sports. A success becomes when you are submerging yourself for the good of the group, when you realize that the strength of the performance is only as good as the weakest link, when you trust in the others you’re on stage with or sitting in front of a computer with, when you can see that teamwork materialize before everyone’s eyes, when everyone’s listening, playing, committing, enjoying. Working.

This is quite a long-winded way of saying: I’m really excited about the team I’m working with right now.

Rehearsals for Presidential Suite began last week. The show’s got a large cast, thirteen, and with the composer and me, it’s a bigger roster than any NBA team's. All during the writing of the script, people warned me, “That’s a really big cast. You’re gonna have trouble filling the cast. You’re gonna have trouble getting ‘em all on the same page.” People told Matthew and me to cut the number of roles down, to make it simpler, to lessen the risk that something might not work. We didn’t do that, because we thought it did the story a disservice. People shook their heads. People said we’d be sorry.

But much like New York Jets’ quarterback Mark Sanchez, people are all too-often inaccurate. I like my team.

What I’ve been thrilled to discover over the past week is that the team that my partners and I have assembled is full of members who are talented, professional, and enthusiastic, full of players who make me smile everyday at something they do that’s a discovery to me. I might just have the 1970 New York Knicks. I might just have a team I’d be excited to use as an analogy in order to bore the parent of a high-school speech club member.

Or bore someone reading this blog. Whatever. I like my team. And when we open on September 27th, I don’t think we’re finishing fifth.

PRESIDENTIAL SUITE - T-52 Days & Counting

Things continue apace with Presidential Suite as we move towards the start of rehearsals this Saturday, August 10th. Here you can check out our first illustration, for the web-only, which we think gives a nice sense of the whimsical fun to be had during the show.

As the week progresses, I'm working on nailing down rehearsal time/space, listing, lining up, and hunting down the props and costumes that we're gonna need, and trying to rest up so I can be prepared for the next two months. Looking at my schedule, it does NOT appear as if I'm going to have much time to relax before we open on Friday, September 27th.

Every day seems to bring with it a different fire to put out, a different challenge to overcome, or a different obstacle to be avoided. But I'm determined during this process to take each thing as it comes, to roll with the punches and inevitable dramas that arise. I've committed to not reacting when something arises, to taking a step back, a deep breath, and a positive eye...Bets on how long that'll last?

T-60 DAYS & COUNTING - a Presidential Suite Update

Just a little update on how the World Premiere Production of Presidential Suite is going; I’ll try to post something at least once a week. On Saturday, we held the first cast table read of the script and if I may say, it went well enough and I had enough fun watching it that I’ve been able to stuff my self-loathing deep inside me for the time being (it’ll be back. Oh, oh, oh, yes! -pause- It will be back.) The entire cast was on hand for introductions to each other and to David, Matthew, and me, and the biggest issue all afternoon were those pesky parking meters on Lankershim Boulevard. An hour limit on Saturdays? That's crap.

Now, watching a cast read words that you’ve (a collective you’ve, in this instance) written can be a harrowing experience. I’ve figured out that the equation is:

[(X)*moments of genuine joy]/

[[(Y)*moments of horrible, horrible shame] +

(standard derivation of my own self-loathing)]*

*When dealing with an original play, take the quotient and square that sucker.

...And I can't speak for my co-writers, but it often times reduces me to a fraction of your normal self, a wee decimal point stuck between your confidence and your positive attitude. But Saturday seemed to go well: actual laughs (plural) from the cast, nobody fell asleep, and no one has texted me long after I’ve gone to sleep begging out of the production. I may or may not have changed my number.

Thus, a measured success.

I had more fun on Saturday than I’ve had in a long, long time. So, I'll amend that. A success.

So thanks to the cast, to David, and to Matthew, for that. Speaking of the cast, I'm already convinced they're going to make this play the best it can be. We rounded up a bunch of talented talents, funny funnies, amassed ourselves a nice little set of baseball cards that are gonna look nice in two months.

Now, onto all the work that has to be done. Gotta figure out the set, gotta start work on the costumes. Gotta check in with the space...Uh-oh, the self-loathing. I feel it bubbling up....

T-64 Days & Counting - PRESIDENTIAL SUITE UPDATE

Matthew and I hope the summer finds you well and not yet melted into a pool of DNA drippings. We wanted to give you an update on the status of the World Premiere Production of Presidential Suite. Things have begun to move forward in earnest. In addition to setting the WHEN - we open Friday, September 27th and run Friday/Saturday/Sunday(matinee) through Sunday, October 27th - and the WHERE (the Whitmore at the Whitmore-Lindley in North Hollywood), we have now latched upon the WHO.

That’s right, we’ve finally “casted up”. After holding a round of auditions and a round of call-backs, and determining the best analogy to casting a show is - running around a schoolyard, trying to collect the perfect set of baseball cards as they blow across the asphalt during a brisk wind -

“(picks up card) No, this Tony Gwynn’s not mine...(trots, picks up card) Nah, I’ve already got a Tom Seaver...Ooh, is that a Greg Maddux?...(runs, picks up card) Nope...(runs, scrapes fingernails on asphalt). We can’t use anyone on steroids...Sigh, this Robin Yount can’t do half the postseason...”

-we now have a full cast for Presidential Suite. Continuing the analogy, it’s a great set of cards we’re putting in plastic, closing up in our Trapper Keeper binder, and we’re not letting that jerkface Mikey Wyatt get his grubby fingers anywhere near it. We believe we’ve got a terrific cast that’s going to make this show something special. Confirmation of how great we are at casting will begin this Saturday night, when the cast meets to conduct the first table read of the script.

So we’ve got the what, the who, the when, and the where. We’ll update you more as the production continues, as we built up the HOW. But let us now thank you again for all your support, monetarily and otherwise, towards helping get Presidential Suite up off the ground and speeding forward towards the end of September and its World Premiere.

Check out our Facebook page and feel free to email us with any questions you may have about how things are progressing. But we’ll talk again soon.

bill

PS: Matthew, here. Although I dabbled in baseball card trading as a youth, it was never really my thing.  I probably would have described the casting process as herding feral cats.  See, I made it my own by adding "feral" and making it about cats.  That's why Bill and I work so well together.  Different interests but shared sensibilities. That said, I couldn't be more thrilled with our cast and full of excitement about mounting this production.Thanks again for your support and I look forward to seeing you at the theatre.

Beach Reading Special - Get The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription ebook Free...

...for the next five days (starting Friday, July 19th), I'll be offering The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription ebook for Amazon Kindle free. Free is good. Free is nice. Free, it's even fun to say.

Say it with me: "Free."

If you own a Kindle and have an Amazon Prime Membership, go to http://www.amazon.com/gp/feature.html/?docId=1000739811 and borrow The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription for free - I can't stop saying it - your free copy.

For all others, the cost of an ebook copy of The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription has been lowered to $1.99. Not free, but not bad either: www.amazon.com/dp/B008F9FAH6

However you download the novel, after you read it, I would appreciate it if you posted an honest review, and spread the word to all you know.

Free. Free. Free.

I See a Forest. But Yes. Yes - I See Trees, Too.

Almost exactly a year ago, I self-published my first novel, The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription. It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my creative life so far. But as I got closer to putting the book out into the world, I knew there had to be a point in the process where it got easier. There had to be. At each stage before I released it - writing it, re-writing it, proofreading it, formatting it - I kept assuring myself that once the novel was published, once it was out there for people to purchase, to read, to hopefully enjoy, the hard part would be over.

Thus occurred the set-up for the punch line of that particular lesson.

A month or so after I released The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription, I was chatting online with a longtime friend of mine. She asked how sales of the novel were going (everyone, everyone, always wants to know how sales are going). I admitted that I wished they were going a little better. She typed, “Well, you’re sure to get at least 337 sales, aren’t you?” To me it was an oddly specific number; I asked how she could predict that. She typed back, “Isn’t that how many Facebook friends you have?”

And as Elaine Benes once said in Seinfeld, “And I laughed and I laughed and I laughed...”

The hard part of writing a novel - well, it’s all hard parts. But the hard part that comes with a sense of having absolutely no control is the part after you put it out there. Trying to get people to notice it, to pay attention to it, to drop “good money” on it, to read it, to recommend it to others, that has been more difficult only because I’m not the only one involved in the attempt. If writing a novel is like climbing a mountain, then self-publishing and self-promoting and self-marketing it is like reaching the top of that first mountain only to realize it’s part of an entire range of mountains, a range full of mountains that move and duck and scoff at you, mountains that ask if there’s a discount for mountains that are friends, mountains that claim they don’t read and whose eyes glaze over while they wait to tell you what they, the mountain, is up to...

...Not to mention the mountains that you create yourself. Publishing a novel has been a wonderful experience that I wouldn’t change for anything, but it’s also brought to the forefront of my mind the millions of different ways I avoid moving forward. There’s no need to get into the psychological swamp that is my self-loathing nor the psychological desert that is my motivation, but if the past year has taught me anything, it’s that I’ll seize the smallest reason I can to keep myself from pushing myself to become a better writer, a better artist.

Which brings me back to Facebook.

I enjoy Facebook. I enjoy posting things on Facebook and if I do say so myself, if you’ve wandered over to this blog to check out this essay I considered titling, “No I Am NOT Pouting!” you’ve enjoyed some of the things I’ve posted on Facebook, too. Being able to conceive of a short joke, a slight comic confection in the form of a “Facebook Playlet,” to put it out there for my friends to see and enjoy, has been gratifying. But I’m going to stop posting anything save for strictly business over there, and start putting my “pieces,” as they were, over here. Because it’s become another mountain.

Molehill? No. Facebook is a wonderful medium for connection and for expressing oneself. But for me, it’s become another lily pad in the swamp or another mirage in the desert* that keeps me from pushing myself as a writer. I find myself growing frustrated with the format before realizing it’s the format I’m given, and if it frustrates me, I need to find another one. But more importantly, leaving that work for this blog might push me towards making those pieces better, more ambitious, and more permanent as work. It might push me to create work people seek out, recommend, and not take for granted. I deserve that. Even if I don’t deserve that, I deserve to push myself to get that. Finally, I think if I’m to grow as a writer I need to start striving to gain fans, not friends. If that makes sense.

Chances are excellent you couldn’t give a shit about any of this. Fine. But it’s my blog. if you have enjoyed my “stuff” on Facebook in the past, please start checking in over here. I’m committing to making this a more professional enterprise. And if I do say so, I need to make this more professional for me most of all. So, if you’ve enjoyed my Facebook work - for as slight as it may be, I want it to be considered my work - spread the word. For Chrissakes - if you help me get more fans, I’ll be your best friend.

*Not a mixed metaphor - the metaphor was topological ecosystems overall, including mountain ranges.

Presidential Suite - Auditions

We will be holding auditions for _Presidential Suite on Saturday, July 6th and Sunday, July 7th, from 10a-3p. If you're interested, email me privately and I'll fill you in on details.

Presidential Suite - SHOW DATES ANNOUNCED

Okay, so here we go. The time has come. The future is now.

Well, the future is in late-September. But still, it’s pretty cool.

There are now official show dates for PRESIDENTIAL SUITE, the hilarious comic musical written by Matthew Hoffman & me, with amazing music by David Johnson. The World Premiere of PRESIDENTIAL SUITE will run from Friday, September 27th for five weekends, through Sunday, October 27th, at the Whitmore-Lindley Theatre, 11006 Magnolia Boulevard, in the wonderful NoHo Arts District.

Now, production is just revving up. But we wanted to keep you posted. Like our page:

https://www.facebook.com/MVPthemusical?ref=ts&fref=ts

Tell your friends to like the Facebook page, demand your co-workers and the baristas who sell you your morning venti soy latte and the bartenders who serve your evening beer ALSO like the Facebook page, and tell THEIR friends, and so on and so forth. Also be sure to keep checking this blog for updates and diary entries and my exultations and my whining and my conspiracy theories and my pleading and occasionally, my poetry.

Just kidding about the poetry. MY POETRY’S PRIVATE.

But hey. I’m excited about this. I hope you are to. Or I hope you will be. So keep your eyes here. We’re proud of this one.

Boise Readings

Hello, everyone - just to provide an update on some upcoming events I have in the great city of Boise, Idaho...

On Monday, April 29th, I will be reading from my novel The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription at a private event for a book club. This is my first reading without the help of my fellow Los Chupacabras. I'm doing it all by my lonesome, so chances are slight that I'll collapse from the pressure. As it's a private event, hopefully the fallout will be minimal.

On Tuesday, April 30th, at 6:30 p.m. MDT I will be reading from and signing copies of The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription at The Rediscovered Bookshop - 180 N. 8th Street in downtown Boise. This is my first reading at a bookstore and I'm extremely excited - though the chances that I'll collapse from the pressure are, I would estimate, slightly higher.

If on the off-chance you want to attend the Monday event, email me and I'll see what I can do. If you can make it to Rediscovered on Tuesday, come up and say hello, then yell at me for not posting enough on this blog.

As always, the novel's available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and here on this site. Click on the book at the right.

A VGP Review & My First On-Line Interview...

A belated Happy New Year, everyone. A couple of developments on The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription front. First, Candi at the blog acrimereadersblog was kind enough to post of review of the novel, one which was certainly nice to wake up to on a Sunday morning. Also, I participated in my first online interview with Mandy for her website withfivequestions - where I tried to strike the perfect balance between "serious analysis" and "self-deprecating wit." Go check it out and then let me know how far off I was...

Now, I know you've been a little distracted reading this post. And I know what you're worried about. You're worried:

"This Amazon gift card I got for Christmas/Hanukkah that's cluttering up my wallet. What on Earth am I going to use that on?"

Well, I'm here to help. The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription is available there in paperback and on Kindle. It's a great way to use your gift, support the arts, and clean up the clutter in your wallet. And don't worry, using a gift card is almost like not supporting me directly at all. You can always tell someone who spots the book deep in your closet, "Ugh. I got that as a gift, dude."

Hope to be posting more often as the weeks go by, updating you all on M.V.P. developments and other artistic sundries. Now. Throw out your Christmas tree or menorah*, already.

*Only if it's made of pine needles...

Holiday Gift Idea!

This year for the holidays, give that special someone the gift of a "sarcastic noir". Now through the end of 2012, you can purchase a signed copy of The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription for 30% off - only $10.49 (plus shipping & handling).

For under fifteen bucks, you can get an autographed copy of William Norrett's first novel, full of "twists, turns, corkscrews, some loopty-loops" which will have you"hooked immediately," a story that "really captures what it's like to live in L.A. and pursue your passion even though you don't hit it big out of the gate." Who knows, maybe you'll read The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription "not expecting to enjoy the book as much as  I did, if I'm honest."

Just include any personalized inscription in the "special instructions" when you buy on PayPal, and the author promises he will make his handwriting as legible as possible.

Seriously, what better gift for whatever religious day(s) you celebrate than a novel that blends comedy, intrigue, and a Sudanese chameleon? That's rhetorical.

Thanks,
billy

M.V.P. - New IndieGogo Video

We're goin' to some tried-and-true Internet bait to help out our campaign...

Check out "M.V.P. the musical" on Indiegogo - lots of cool swag for different contribution levels. You voted today - help our production and see who would win the "M.V.P." next spring!

Questions Will Be Answered

Have you ever wondered:

Who would win in a debate: Abraham Lincoln or John F. Kennedy?

Who would win in a fight, George Washington or Teddy Roosevelt?

Who’s got the prettier singing voice: Thomas Jefferson or Richard Nixon?

Well, if you HAVE, M.V.P. has got your answers, and if you HAVEN’T, c’mon, you’re wondering NOW, so see “Well, if you HAVE...” Help us raise the money needed to stage the world premiere of this hilarious musical next spring:

http://www.indiegogo.com/mvpthemusical?a=1560961

Our campaign is off and running, but we need your help. Early pledges bring us to the attention of Indiegogo’s artificial intelligence, its secret-sauce algorithm, which gets M.V.P.’s campaign more prominently placed on the site, which gets it more pledges, and on and on, the circle and so forth! The circle!

We’re offering a lot of great swag for each pledge level - get in on it and support what’s sure to be a great production! Thanks!

Announcement - IndieGogo Campaign for M.V.P.

Hi, Guys -

If I may have your attention for just a brief moment before you wander off to web-parts unknown...

Over the past few months, you've seen bits and pieces about, hints and allusions to M.V.P., my current project. M.V.P., which I co-wrote with actor/writer Matthew Hoffman and award-winning composer David P. Johnson, tells the story of eight great American presidents who are gathered in Las Vegas to compete in a “Miss America”-style pageant. Using only their records, their accomplishments, and their wits, these men have one goal - to be named the “Most Valuable President” in United States history.

M.V.P. is a grand, enthusiastic musical. Historical and hysterical, meaningful and melodic, is a unique story that puts intelligence, humor, and song in an entertainment that makes a statement about greatness in the age of reality-show glory.

The three of us plan to stage the World Premiere Production of M.V.P.  next spring, and that’s where you enter the picture. We've established an IndieGogo campaign to raise funds for this World Premiere Production. Here’s the link:

http://www.indiegogo.com/mvpthemusical?a=1560961

As we begin to move the gears of production - renting a suitable space for such an ambitious musical, finding rehearsal space, auditioning actors and paying them as they deserve to be paid, creating costumes, a set, finished music, publicizing and promoting the production  - we realize that we need to raise funds in order to give M.V.P. its best chance for success. This is where you can help. Please visit the IndieGogo site, check out specifics of the production, including the many awesome rewards you can receive for various pledge levels, and help support M.V.P.

With your help, we can see M.V.P. reach its potential. Like David and Matthew, I've been writing, performing, and producing theater in Los Angeles and New York for over two decades. M.V.P., however, enthuses me more than any project I’ve helped create. Put simply, there's nothing I've written of which I'm more proud. If you've enjoyed my work in the past, this should excite you. If you're new to my work, this should intrigue you. If you don't like my work, well, I think we can both concede at this point you're a little weird for reading this far.

Over the next few weeks, I'll give you more tastes of what you can expect when M.V.P. premieres next spring. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me directly. Thanks for reading.

billy

A First Taste of M.V.P.

As mentioned, Matthew Hoffman, David P. Johnson, and I are looking to stage the World Premiere of M.V.P. next spring. As we embark on the production process, I want to keep you abreast of developments, and provide some tastes of what you can expect.

In this link,  Richard Nixon imparts some wisdom to his fellow presidents. The film was directed by David P. Johnson.

Check back here, as well as M.V.P.'s Facebook page and Twitter feed, for updates and information...

The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription - Novel Promo Film

My friend Jim Eshom whacked up some footage from both readings and an interview with me to create this promo video for the novel. I think it looks terrific; thanks very much to him, Jessica Amal Rice, Lamont Webb, and Alec Sherrie for helping put it together.

Please share with others, and remember - there's a discount available for those who want to buy the novel on the Sophisticated Rogue website - just check out the Store page...

"Is That Costanza?"

Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld): This woman he’s dating is making him take this IQ test for this course.

Elaine (Julia Louis-Dreyfus): Oh, that sounds like fun.

George (Jason Alexander): Yeah, fun.  IQ tests are totally bogus.  They prove nothing!

Elaine: You’ll do well, you’re smart.

Jerry: No, see, he’s not smart.  People think he’s smart, but he’s not.

Seinfeld, "The Cafe"

...and I find myself muttering to myself, yet again, “I am George Costanza.”

Or Larry David. We all know now who George Costanza represented on Seinfeld. Whatever. The point is, like George (or Larry), any impression that people have of my intelligence is quite exaggerated. The dirty truth is:

I’m not very bright.

Perhaps I’ve just heard you gasp. No. It’s true (and if I didn’t hear you gasp but rather mutter, “I never had a doubt of it,” you can just move on). I may have attended good schools, may have been blessed with parents who stressed education, but those gifts were battled with a laziness that could never be conquered. I'll pit my laziness against anyone's. If some scientist smarter than I (lucky grammar guess!) could discover a way to bottle sloth and convert it into energy, my work ethic could bankrupt every Saudi Arabian oil prince before The Master opens this Friday.

The bare fact is, as a result of my laziness, I possess huge gaps in my education, huge gaps, gaps large enough for an NFL running back to scamper through, untouched, to large gains, long swaths of yardage, galloping into the secondary easily, prompting Jim Nantz or Al Michaels to gush, “He ran through a hole large enough to drive a Mack truck through,” thus ending their effusion with a preposition but leaving their television audience with no doubt as to the size of the hole, only the conviction that the hole was vast, vast-

Well, see, that’s what I mean. That’s a goddamn long sentence, way too long for the point I’m trying to make. Also, I started to make the point but, distrustful of myself, immediately grasped for a sports analogy, the refuge of the man who watches Football Night in America while drinking a Super Big Gulp of Diet Coke (perhaps you hear me protesting, “C’mon! It’s diet!”) rather than even attempt to read The Economist. That sentence is another example of how any indication that I may be intelligent is a mirage, fool’s gold-

Okay, I’ll stop. Suffice to say, gaps, man. Huge gaps. To wit, I own a lot of books, to the point where visitors to my loft look at the shelves in my living room and murmur, “Man. Lotta books.” Books about every possible subject: novels, history, humor, even cookbooks. If I had a nickel, though, a nickel for every one of those books I have not read, I could bankrupt Stephen King before his next eBook hits your Nook.

Well, that ends now. Or at least, I begin to end it. Because I’m committed to closing those gaps, to sending the self-teaching equivalent of Haloti Ngata (Defensive end for the Baltimore Ravens; I can’t be expected to quit sports analogies cold turkey) through the gaps of my education to sack the Tom Brady of my ignorance, and because I like bold proclamations of projects as well as making lists and attempting to cross items off those lists, one-by-one, I will take a huge step towards rectifying it.

Another long sentence. Well, one step at a time, and I don't need to link to Tom Brady, do I?

You may be aware that, along with my partners David P. Johnson and Matthew Hoffman, I have written a musical entitled M.V.P. Well, you are now. The titular (which I like saying not simply because it’s literary-sounding) term stands for “Most Valuable President,” for the musical deals with many of the American Presidents throughout history vying for the honor of which one was the most valuable. We’re putting it up in the spring of 2013, you should check back here for updates.

With that in mind, a project I am undertaking as soon as I sign off here is to read, in order of when they served, a biography of each American President. Starting with George Washington and ending with Mitt Romney (C’mon, I’ll be done by 2016! No Chris Christie until the next time!), I will dive into, if not the definitive book, at the very least a serious biography about each man (i.e., that means no Bill O'Reilly). I want to learn more about each President, how they ticked, the time in which they served, and the ramifications of their leadership.

After each, I’ll post a little something - not so much a review as a little piece, perhaps a humor piece. I’ve got an idea for something larger based on this, but for now, I’ll give over just a pastry that I bake with my thoughts on each President.

First up: For our first President, George Washington, the strapping horseman from (Earnin’) Mount Vernon, Virginia I will be reading the 822 pages (how many?! Yikes. (sigh)) of:

Washington: A Life by Ron Chernow

Read it with me!

So, please feel free to come along for the ride. By posting this, I’m putting my ass out there. I can’t risk, years from now, people taunting me for not completing the climb of this mountain of biography. And feel free to tell people; God knows I’ll need all the support I can get while I’m slogging through 800 pages on Grover Cleveland.

..And before you ask, I’ve made an executive decision - I don’t have to read two biographies on Grover Cleveland.

Ngoti rushing off the corner!

billy

Bricks and Mortar, Bricks and Mortar...

Up on the "Los Angeles & California" shelf at Skylight Books on Vermont Avenue in Los Feliz. I think the only reasonable course of action, should you find yourself in the area, is to go into the store, ask for The Vanilla Gigolo Prescription, and then demand to know why they only have one copy at this point. Go forth?

Check out the M.V.P. page.

Thoughts, info, musings on what's coming up. Click on the M.V.P. tab to keep up-to-date...

-billy

Artists Ship.

Getting the packages together to mail out to the Goodreads giveaway winners brought another silent grin...Inscribing the books, writing out the thank-you notes, including the business cards, double-checking the address, realizing I'd be mailing copies to Canada, England, Australia - each step one closer to a stranger getting to read, and perhaps enjoy, my work. Thank you to all who participated. If you weren't lucky enough to win a free copy, check out the discount on my "Store" page.

Creating the work is exciting enough. Presenting it - allowing others to appreciate it - is thrilling. More, please.